Divorce vs. Seperation

Sadly, my last blog post for this semester. I am really sad to stop having such amazing lessons each week and being able to write about it to help retain what I really do learn. So, for my last article I will talk about divorce and separation.

First, I want to start with divorce. We learned about many ways that we can avoid divorce or ways that can prevent it. 24% of people who marry divorce and it stems from simple things to avoid. Some of which include, having a higher education (going to college), marrying at a mature age (this does not mean marry at an age where you have a huge career or planted in your roots, because then it is harder to start a new life with someone when you both are very established, rather marry at an age such as young 20’s because then you both can start your life together and figure things out together), avoiding impulse marriage (Vegas…shall I say more?), marry in your own religion type (this can cause less fights and building on a same foundation of religion helps build a relationship), and waiting to have sex before marriage as well as cohabitating before marriage. Now those are things that are easier to avoid. But, there are some statistics on things that cause divorce that are not easy to avoid, such as having parents that divorce (this make it hard because, seeing parents divorce show there is an easier way out of problems in relationships then working things out. Not always the case.

There was another interesting part of divorce, and that was the stages of divorce.

1.     Emotional Divorce. This is when you emotionally start disconnecting from your spouse and don’t feel that draw to stay together.

2.     Legal Divorce. Self-explanatory where you legally file for a divorce.

3.     Economic Divorce. This is where everything gets split up between the two. All finances are no longer linked together and you become two separate people, no longer finally connected.

4.     Co-parenting. Where you both are now single parents over the children.

5.     Community Divorce. This is interesting, this is where the community starts to choose sides. Friends you once had as a couple now have to choose whose side they are going to be friends with.

It is interesting to see how divorce plays out and how many people it truly does effect. But, the worst it effects is children. It’s so important to try to work things out together before stepping into this dark mess of divorce.

We also went over how much more it cost to divorce, especially with children. We went over the cost and found that people were spending $125,000 more every year becaauee of being divorced with children. The expenses included another house payment, child support, travel to see children, etc. It was amazing how quickly it took to add up the costs form divorce. Not to mention any kind of therapy for children who struggle with divorced parents.

I next want to talk about separation. Separation in most cases are just a first step before divorce, very rarely do those that separated stay together. My teacher who is a marriage therapist said in all his time he has only seen 3 couples who separated stay together and he said they all had something in common. He advised them to go on a date or two every week. Start fresh. They were to not see or very little talk during the week then have a formal date or two during the week. This caused reconnection and to fall back into love again. But, in most cases it does not work to stay separated.

Active Parenting

Hey all, this week we talked about parenting and the best ways to become an active parent. First of all, some of you may wonder what an active parent is. Well, let me explain. You see an active parent is someone who is involved in parenting and knows how to take correct steps to punishment. We talked a lot about the best way to punish. Some think punishment is grounding from something, or spanking, or taking something away. But, there is more to punishment then that. My teacher explained a story from his youth that showed how good active parents should punish. His story starts when he was a youth and he went out and drove his friend and his friends girlfriend. Well his parents set a curfew for midnight. While out with his friends they went off and it was getting close to that curfew time. He couldn’t find his friends until they came back nearly to midnight. He drove them home and hurried back to his house. They had a rule in his hose that as soon as you got home at night to wake up the parents and talk to them so they know exactly what time you came home. So, he hurried to their room to talk to them and got there by 12:20am. He talked to them and explained how his friends were out and they asked if he sped and he said no. Then he went to bed. The next day he was getting ready for a date when his father passed by and said where are you going? And he explained he was going on a date. Well his father said. I am sorry but you were home late last night past curfew you can’t go tonight. He was mad at friend for causing him to be late but also mad at himself for breaking that rule, since he knew that rule was in place.

Now you see in this example there are two great examples of active parentings. One was sticking with the punishment and making sure it was carried out. Two for having the children come into their room and talk to them when they get home. Many times, children get home and send a text or sometimes not even check in with their family so, parents may not know when they do get home. I really like this example of active parenting.

Another topic we covered was the role of consequences. Many times, as parents they think they need to save their children from the natural consequences or parenting their way and not following through. By doing this, children don’t learn anything. They believe they can get away with anything. When children get in trouble at school and have detention, let them. If they hit someone with their car, have them pay for the damages. I know for me when my parents would buy me things I wouldn’t take care of them as I would if I bought them. For example, my parents bought me my first car and I got in a small fender bender, well my dad ended up replacing a part and buying it and fixing it. It didn’t mean anything to me. But just recently my fiancée and I bought a car together and let me tell ya I double or triple check both ways when I am going anywhere because it is ours and our responsibility. I feel children now days don’t get those kind of learning lessons to take care or buy what they want to have that responsibility. I think it is so important to have that responsibly of buying something and having full ownership of it. Just a few of my thoughts.

Side by Side

Hey,

So, this week was a little bit different of a week, we talked about work ethic in the family as well as, fathers and finances.

I want to start off first with fathers and finances. Think back to about 200 years ago and how families earned their money. Normally it was doing farming as a family. Even young family members were out working side by side next to their parents and older siblings. Where did this system of side by side working go? What has it done to the family? I was thinking back to times I was working side by side with my parents, and how those times were the most impressionable times I remember. When I was a child every Saturday my dad was working in the garage, he always had something to fix or make whether it was a boat, car, lawn mower, etc. he was always working on something. And, I remember that I would go in there with him and would set up a chair next to where he was working and be his little helper going and grabbing whatever he needed. Those times I was with him were the times that I had the best conversations with my dad. We would always talk about the what new things were happening in my life, or what my future plan was, or how I really hate math. More and more sociality grows the more and more we lose those moments of side by side moments. I know that this has helped me think about what kind of job I want my husband to have. Is he going to have a job that makes more but takes him further away from our family or a job that makes less but more time with our family. Pondering on these moments I had with my father I realize just how important it is for my future family to have these same moments with their father.

Now, for the second part we talked about was work ethic. We talked most on the point of how to teach our children proper work ethic. One conversation brought up was allowance vs. no allowance. We talked about how when we get allowance we are always going to want more. We will eventually start thinking our time is worth more and the work we are doing is worth more. While, having no allowance creates responsibility and work ethic to help encourage children to work and see the fruits of their labors. I know growing up when I would clean the entire kitchen, and my mom would say “wow Tayler, this looks absolutely amazing. Thank you.” That meant more to me than doing it for any amount of money. We again are living in a society where we are not teaching in the proper work ethic. We should be teaching through example of hard working and working side by side. Times growing up I would have a ton of dishes to do, and I remember the best times were when my dad would come and help me clean them. Now, he never had too but again these were times we had such great bonding moments.

I wish to propose going back to times when families work side by side and together. This last week my fiancée came up for a week during his spring break and together every night we would cook a big dinner and we would clean the whole kitchen. I feel as though we grew so much together because we had a chance to work together and grow together, as well we were able to find more strengths in each other.

I know that working side by side can truly help make great families.